Ronald the Replacement Service Bus
by LoneDrifter213
Summary: Thomas and Friends has been cancelled, and with a one billion pound franchise ruined. The Executives commission new show to replace their loss...and they choose a bus. Not the just any bus, they choose a bus named Ronald, who is the worst choice for a show.
1. End of a Franchise

Even though the sun was shining, and the weather was lovely (something that never happened in Britain in reality), and the trouble free months on the North Western Railway...seriously, everything has been perfect for nearly a year! All the engines were being miserable sods, although nobody cared to because they were engines... (Racist b*****ds)

Long ago, a reverend would tell his ill son stories of the railway, and later decided to make a series of books these adventures. Then some more people decided to make a show out of those books, and in the process, creating a cash cow franchise worth one billion pounds.

This made all the engines happy to be part of something worth so much money, although all but one agreed that the franchise name needed an improvement. After all, a title like 'Thomas the Tank Engine' and later 'Thomas and Friends' got old quickly after the namesakes ego blew up to levels never before discovered by man, and that he would not shut up about how his name was worth one billion, while he himself was worth less than that...a lot less.

So for a long time, all the engines enjoyed their celebrity status, Thomas even planned to 'pimp' himself up to match his billion pound name (Thank God we are unable to see that!). Sure there were ups and downs...and one or two rough patches (* _cough-cough*_ series 9-15 _*cough-cough*_ )...and some creepy fan work (NOT including Rule 34! Eww!) . But that didn't stop the money pouring in by the truck load.

However, with all great things, it only takes one idiot to make that one decision that will balls it up. Enter, the Executive. The Executive is often a greedy creature, which is only motivated by one thing...money. It can smell money out of almost anything and will squeeze for maximum profit out of anything until it has dried up, where it will discard the carcass and move on in search of its next prey.

This particular Executive would go on to meddle with things beyond their comprehension, which is a lot. With the scent of money in their nostrils, the Executive then proceeds to milk the franchise dry. It starts by demanding more and more characters to appear in single episodes, then to disappear immediately afterwards. Next, it demands more strange and ridicules situations that can only be achieved by lowering the IQ of the characters. Followed by demanding that all scripts be simple, repetitive and talk down to the audience despite their boring simplicity. Finally, it demands mass production of overpriced, cheaply made, poor quality merchandise to rinse more money from parents.

A common mistake amongst executives is how smart they think they are compared to the customers, however many executives will back down if they catch whiff of their money supply of being harmed. Unfortunately, this Executive, ignores the mistakes of its predecessors, and pushes on with its bad decisions and enforces the stupidity of these decisions to the point only they remain.

As bad as the rough patches had been (* _cough*_ series 9-15 _*cough*_ ), this Executive not only repeated the same mistakes, but was somehow able to amplify these mistakes to the point the rough patches looked smooth by comparison.

And so, the most horrific news to ever reach the engines of Sodor was announced: 'Thomas and Friends' was cancelled... (but somehow the idiot Executive kept his job!)

Everyone was upset, they had all lost their (varying degrees of) Celebrity Status. But no engine had ever more upset than Thomas the Tank Engine, his ego imploded in a metaphorical atomic cloud. It took many months of compassionate support from every engine to nurse and nurture his ego. Partly because they felt slightly ( _slightly mind you_ ) sorry for him, but mostly because everyone on Sodor had had enough of the sleepless nights of listening to Thomas wail endlessly. Seriously, when he cries he's louder than **BRIAN BLESSED!**

Now the little blue sod had finally stopped wailing, the engines tried to get over the end of their celebrity careers and back to work.

At Knapford (because everything happens at Knapford), Percy, James and Gordon were waiting to depart with their trains. To pass the time, all three tried to have intelligent conversation. Keyword is _tried_ there. In actuality, it was James vainly talking about how he looked in his red paint. Gordon grumbling about not pulling the express constantly and not getting enough respect to feed his ego, while Percy felt his intellect slowly slipping away thanks to years of clumsy accidents and the stupidity of the conversation he was trapped in.

PEEP PEEP

Immediately the conversation ended, and everyone let out a miserable groan, as Thomas the Formerly Famous Tank Engine pulled up into the station beside James, with Annie and Clarabelle, his coaches, which I'm assuming you know, because you're reading this.

"Hello everyone," said Thomas, wearing the fakest smile ever to exist.

"Thomas, I almost didn't know it was you, I didn't hear any crying," said Gordon, chuckling at his own wit.

"It's ok Gordon, I am very happy today," Thomas was bottling up all his negative emotions. It helped to block the cruel and evil being that was reality and let him pretend the heart breaking, ego crushing event never happened.

Sodor didn't have any therapists for engines, despite the obvious need for them.

"Humph, about time too!" spat James, "I looked disgusting without by beauty sleep. How am I to be the handsomest engine ever with bags under my eyes?"

Percy's mind barely registered Thomas' presence and quickly told him to smile. "Hello Thomas."

"Is everyone going to be Really Useful?" asked Thomas, still clinging to his illusion that everything was fine. Gordon and James just groaned in response.

HONK HONK

Tooted a bus from the over side of the Station building, the engines looked back (somehow), to see Bertie through an open section of the Station at the bus stop. The red bus had the silliest grin as if he had one the f*****g lottery.

"Morning engines," he had so much happiness in was sickening.

"Morning Bertie, it is a fine day to be picking up passengers," Thomas was beginning to become more detached from reality.

"It certainly is, and now it's even better, have you heard the news?" said Bertie.

"What news?" Gordon raised an eyebrow.

"They're making a new show on Sodor." Bertie wasn't the brightest thing on Sodor, because now he had just armed a ticking time bomb.

"REALLY?!" said Thomas the ticking time bomb, his mind returning to reality. "They're going to give me a new show."

"No, no," said Bertie, unaware of close he was to winning a Darwin award. "They're making a new show about us buses on Sodor."

Finally, Bertie's brain switched on and immediately began metaphorically kicking him for his stupidity. Three of the four engines threw him death glares so sharp they might as well have been knifes. Even Percy had recovered enough of his intellect to realise the hell Bertie had unleashed.

"Drive! DRIVE!" Bertie commanded his Driver. His driver closed the door, but ended up crushing an old lady with a walking stick.

"PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN SONNY, AND DRIVE!" The old lady was more concerned about her current location than her broken hips.

As Bertie roared away, the engines waited for the inevitable...

"BWAHAHAHAHAH...!"

Thomas cried so hard, tears flowed from his eyes like fountain across the platform and James.

"AH...STOP...MY MASCARAS...RUNNING!"

After two weeks of comforting, and for one engine, a regretful night in the shed. Thomas finally calmed down again. Edward was at Lower Suddery just as Bertie speed into station, possibly after avoiding another hit on his life. Edward noticed that he had a look on his face like a slapped arse.

"Morning Bertie, having a nice day?"

"What do you think?" replied Bertie. Well, that's not what he said exactly, but that was what Edward could make out from all the growling, snarling and cursing.

"Still getting more death threats for setting Thomas off again?" said Edward, he had heard all the angry threats from the other engines and even the passengers.

"Worse," Berties face had scrunched up into an even sourer look. "They chose the star of..."

He looked around for any sign of the little blue sod that would kick up a thunderstorm.

"...of our new show."

Edward resisted the attempt to sign; he never thought Bertie would have an ego as bad as Thomas, Gordon or James. "Sorry you're not the star," he said with false sympathy.

"That's not the problem, Edward!" said Bertie. "The problem is, of all the buses at the depot, on Sodor! They chose him!"

Edward was slightly confused (yes I couldn't believe it either). "Who? You mean Bulgy? I thought he changed!"

"Not Bulgy, believe it or not, this guys worse!"

"Who is he?" asked Edward, the idea of a bus worse than Bulgy, seemed to be about as impossible as The Fat Controller going on a diet.

"His name is Ronald," Bertie spat the name out as if it was poison.

"Who's Ronald?" asked Edward, unaware of the awful future that was about to descend.

 **AN/:** This a collaboration story between me and ToonGuy, of Thomas Abridged fame, if you haven't read it, what are you doing? Hope you enjoyed this little opening.


	2. Episode 1: Meet Ronald

Ronald is a bus, who works for the Sodor Roadway Bus Service, the biggest bus company on the Island. He is the same bus as Bertie, an AEC Regal T Class, and lives at the Knapford Bus Yard. He's always picking up and dropping off passengers at bus stops along the routes.

He is also the biggest prick on the entire Island.

Ronald is a racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, evil, petty schemer always out to better himself and make as many people suffer as he can. Ronald hates everything; he hates children, his passengers, puppies... Basically the list for things he doesn't hate is much shorter. The list is; himself, roads (sometimes), himself (again), attractive female buses who know their place and himself (you can see a pattern).

(And this is the guy the Executive wants to make a show about. Typical, and people say footballers are bad role models for children.)

Ronald likes his job as a bus; he finds it entertaining to toy with his driver and passengers. His favourite game is 'Mind that Dog', he shout's "Mind that Dog!" forcing the driver to swerve, or stop suddenly, and spending the passengers flying, bonus points if they bang their teeth on the handrails, triple if its kids. His favourite job is Railway Replacement Service, not because he's being helpful, but because he gets to piss off the engines.

Today, filming for the new show was to start at the depot, but none of the other buses were looking forward to it. Even their drivers were depressed; the idea of Ronald being a star was horrifying for an already depressed crew.

Bertie was waiting at the depot, hoping for his driver to come out and take him away from this nightmare of a place that was his home (ironic, isn't it). Fate had been cruel enough to park him right next to Ronald, he wondered if this was karma taking revenge on him for causing Thomas to burst out crying again.

"Piss off, Bertie," Ronald said, in a deep gravelly voice, "TV super stars need their screen time, and you're ruining my shot with your presence."

"I can't go, you prick, I haven't got a driver!" Bertie would give anything for his hand brake to fail so he could crash into the nearest brick wall.

"Hey! You can't take the piss out of me, I'm a TV celebrity." Bertie held back an angry outburst and just rolled his eyes. Why was he still here?

After what seemed like an eternity, a driver finally came for Bertie.

"YES! FINALLY, GET ME AWAY FROM HERE!" Bertie yelled with such joy in his voice.

"Sorry Bertie, but we've got to wait," said his driver, Bertie was upset, and didn't improve when he found out why.

"WE'RE WHAT!?" Bertie felt he like was about to cry.

"We're carrying the film crew around," his driver was about as thrilled as he was.

Ronald looked over at the depressed Bertie, and gave him a smug smirk. "Don't worry Bertie, perhaps you'll learn how be a proper bus." Bertie just scowled.

Bertie sulked all morning as he drove along the roads. The director was constantly demanding they stop every five minutes to film for the intro sequence, and he wondered how much of that footage was actually going to be used. The actors weren't much better; they were nothing but snobby egotistical, intellectually challenged sods. When the convoy finally arrived at Crosby, after what felt like an eternity, Bertie had got a front row seat of their acting talent, for rather their lack of talent.

The lead actor was by far the worst, in every sense of the word. Will Becker, or as Bertie called him Whining Bitch, a big American TV actor who was playing the role of Ronald's bus driver. While his acting wasn't as bad as the others, his overblown ego had stopped Bertie from being sorry for the prat.

At the station, Lady had stopped to take on water; she had been pulling a train of coal trucks. The trucks had been constant pains in the arse and now she was filthy (stop it!). Before 'Thomas and Friends' was cancelled, Lady was never too involved in the show. Only arriving on Sodor to appear in the movie (which she isn't particularly fond of) and one special, (and was even less proud of that). After a few weeks she had planned to leave, but changed her mind after a cheesy and cliché love story between her and another engine occurred during those few weeks. (Bet you £1'000'000 you can't guess who it is.*)

Just then, Bertie and Ronald parked up close by the station. The actors were moaning about there being no gourmet meals on the buses and demanding something to eat, so the director had decided to stop at the station for some more filming and a meal.

Lady looked over at the two buses, she knew Bertie, but didn't recognise Ronald. Lady whistled and smiled at the pair. "Hello, Bertie, who's that with you?"

Bertie didn't say anything; he just gave Lady a pleading look that said, 'Help Me'. Meanwhile, Ronald sniffed the air and scrunch up his nose in disgust.

"Urgh...what smells like shit," he said, pretending to gag, "It smells like...trains."

Lady let out a horrified gasp, "Excuse me!?"

Ronald just gave her a smug grin. "Did I stutter, train? Or do any thoughts you have fly out of that f***ing chimney on your head?" Ronald cackled at his stupid joke, the trucks themselves found it hilarious and giggled away like idiots.

Lady didn't say anything, she just glared at Ronald with pent up rage. "Did I use too many words for you, soot for brains? You trains are completely inferior, I'm not surprised you didn't understand, but you have no idea what I'm talking about. You are after all, a train and a woman."

You're probably thinking Ronald isn't very nice right about now.

"HOW DARE YOU!" Lady's temper had reached meltdown stage; the trucks had stopped giggling and were now afraid to hear Lady shouting. "HOW F***ING DARE YOU, SPEAK TO ANYONE LIKE THAT! WHO ARE YOU TO SAY SUCH SHIT?"

"Hey I'm just saying the facts, women are clueless without a man to guide them and tell them what to do." Bertie shut his eyes it a vain attempt to block out the world, and Ronald's existence. "Women have only two purposes, to serve a man and pleasure a man. Heck you look like a cheap filthy whore you find on one of those dirty side lines."

If you still think Ronald has some good, you are completely wrong.

Lady right now wished she had Diesel 10's claw, so she could do things that if they were to be described, would have caused this story to be taken down for extreme violence, torture and gore. (Trust me, you don't want to know.)

Lady's crew could see the danger, and decided to be brave and get Lady away from the town. It would be dangerous and they might be killed, but they would save Crosby, and be rewarded with fame, fortune and ladies. Her driver got to work shovelling coal, while her driver, Mr Not-Burnett-Stone, got her in motion, and Lady was on her way, bumping the trucks fiercely into order. The trucks behaved themselves afterwards.

"Enjoy your time while it lasts, train! The revolution will put an end to you and the rest of your kind! We buses are future of the world!" Ronald wore a shit eating grin, he was victorious in his battle of words against the train enemy, another victory for the revolution. Bertie preyed to every deity that he knew (and a couple he didn't), that they would do something. Karma however, had already set her plans in motion.

Soon the TV crew had finished their meal, and had returned. Well, if you can call it a meal. A few tips if you get food from a railway cafe, if it's meat, make sure it's dead, if it's not meat, make sure it doesn't come alive and try to eat you. If something moves in the soup, stab it with your utensils. And finally, if you have a large helping of it, always stand near a toilet in case of sudden movements. Only Whining Bitch liked the food and had a very large helping of it. Anyway, everyone was back on the buses and off towards Wellsworth, again with more constant stopping for filming pointless filler to pad out episodes as cheaply as possible.

Meanwhile, at Wellsworth, Emily had just arrived with her passenger train from Maron. To her surprise Thomas was there in Wellsworth yard with a goods train.

"Must be really useful. Must be really useful. Must be really useful." He repeated the phrase to himself.

"Hullo Thomas," said Emily cautiously, hoping to avoid setting off the delicate bomb in her vicinity. "What are ya doin' 'ere?"

"Oh hello Emily," Thomas gave her a smile that worried her, "I've been waiting for you."

"Ya what!?" Emily suddenly felt very uncomfortable.

"I'm waiting for you to pass with your train; so I can leave with my goods train."

"Oh ok." Emily let out a sigh of relief, "Why are ye talkin' ta ya-self?"

"Oh it's just to keep me pumped for the day; I have to be really useful after all," said Thomas, still smiling. Emily smiled back, slightly more worried.

Suddenly, the calm quiet of the station was interrupted by a barrage cursing and grumbling, as Lady puffed towards them. To see Lady so angry and using such language was very surprising. Hey crew were upset as well, Lady hadn't destroyed anything and they were not heroes.

"Lady, what's wrong?" said Emily, filled with genuine concern.

"I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO INSULTED!" Lady shouted, "I hope that Insert Whistles and Horns Here bus crashes into a brick wall."

Thomas' smile dropped and his right eye twitched. "What bus?" asked Emily.

"Some bus I saw Bertie with, and he is a Insert More Whistles and Horns Here!" growled Lady, heading for the yard.

And then, Bertie and Ronald arrived, parking beside the station and facing the engines. Take three guesses what happened. First two don't count.

"Eww!" Ronald faked another gag, "Smells even worse than the last place! There are more trains!"

Emily glared at Ronald, Thomas too but his wasn't as scary. Lady meanwhile fumed with rage, her trucks cowered in fear.

"Who are you?" asked Emily with a growl.

"I'm Sodor's new celebrity," boosted Ronald, "Ronald the Reliable Service Bus, the new star to replace your shit stain of a show."

Thomas gasped in horror, stood before him was his greatest enemy, the bus who was replacing his show. To everyone's surprise, Thomas didn't break, he just remained quiet.

"Hmph, why couldn't he hold it together last time?" Lady muttered to herself.

Ronald noticed Lady in the yard. "Hey, it's the w-..."

"I F***ING DARE YOU TO FINISH THAT SENTENCE YOU Insert Even More Whistles and Horns Here"

"Well your mouth is filthy, then again..." Ronald was interrupted by angry outbursts from Lady and Emily, he gave a smug smirk in victory.

"I am surprised however," Ronald said with a raised eyebrow. "How did you trains survive the Beeching Axe?"

The engines recoiled in horror at the mention of the railway butcher. "Oh God, please help me," Bertie muttered under his breath.

"Because we are able to provide a far better service than any bus or lorry on the Island," said Emily. Thomas and Lady whistled in response.

Ronald growled in anger, he eyed the engines with disgust.

"Be very afraid, 'Trains'," Ronald spat the word out as if it was poison, "The revolution is coming! Your end is coming! THE AGE OF RAIL IS OVER, AND THE AGE OF ROAD IS ABOUT TO BEGIN!"

Lady and Emily just sighed and puffed away, leaving Bertie stuck with Thomas and Ronald. Ronald gave Thomas a rotten smirk.

"As for you," he said, "Your time very much over, I'm the mark of what is to come. You have been replaced with the Magnum Opus of technology. THE REVOLUTION WILL WIPE YOU FROM EXISTANCE! YOUR SHOW WAS FIRST TO FALL, AND NOW IT IS TO BE REPLACED WITH A WORK OF WONDER! THE REVOLUTION HAS WON, TRAIN!"

Thomas glared back at him in anger.

"YOU!" He yelled in a dramatic voice, "YOU MAY HAVE WON THIS BATTLE EVIL DOER! BUT I ASSURE YOU, WE WILL MEET AGAIN! AND YOU WILL FALL AGAINST MY ARMY OF FANS! FOR I AM THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE, AND I SHALL BE VICTORIOUS!"

And Thomas puffed away. Bertie felted relieved to no longer be trapped between two overblown obnoxious egos.

After more hours were spent on scenes along with more pointless filler, the film crews began packing up their equipment and were loading up the buses. Will Becker felt very uneasy in his stomach, and his bladder had quickly reached bursting point. The station toilet was broken and he didn't want to go in the bushes like an animal. He walked alongside Ronald, and then he noticed the fuel cap.

"F-U-E-L," he read out loud, "What does that f***ing mean?" He opened the fuel cap. "Oh it's a port-a-potty. Stupid English, not only do they steal our language, but they muck up the wording too."

Ronald suddenly felt very warm inside his tank. "Ah I tell you Bertie, all this filming makes me feel warm inside my tank. The revolution will take the world by storm thanks to my show."

Bertie didn't respond, his IQ was diminishing gradually from his exposure to Ronald's revolution bullshit. Currently his IQ was just above empty drooling look.

Once again, the convoy was on the move again, with Ronald leading. Everything was going well. But then, Ronald's engine began to cough, and then splutter. Soon, as they approached the level crossing, Ronald's engine began misfiring, before stalling right in the middle of the crossing.

For the first time, since leaving the depot, Bertie smiled. Ronald fumed, his driver tried to start the engine, but it refused. Bertie was struggling to hold back his laughter, as the miserable film crew (shocker) complained. So Ronald's driver then left to phone for a breakdown truck. Then, for plot connivance despite being very unlikely to almost impossible, Lady, Emily and Thomas arrived simultaneously at the level crossing.

"Well, look at that Emily," Lady grinned, "Someone's dumped a broken down wreck on the crossing."

"Aye know, Lady," Emily said. "Ta think, how such ah reliable bus would be such a hindrance ta both the road and the railway."

"PAH!" yelled Ronald, "This is nothing! The revolution can't be stopped! This is just borrowed time for you trains! I WILL RETURN AND THE REVOLUTION WILL CRUSH YOU!"

Everyone just laughed at Ronald.

"YOU HAVE FALLEN EVIL DOER," Thomas was now trying to outdo Ronald, "TODAY I HAVE DEFEATED YOU FOR YOUR..."

"Shut up Thomas, you did nothing," Thomas immediately became very small.

"This isn't over," Ronald attempts to sound threatening were pathetic given his current position. "You unreliable glorified scrap metal will get what's coming to you!"

"And you are 'very' reliable," Lady loved payback, "So reliable, you're blocking the main line, and stopping me from a nice wash down."

"Wait for me Lady," said Emily, speaking in a sultry tone, "Aye don't want to miss the view." Lady began to blush.

"Could I join you..." Thomas wanted to go as well.

"NO!"

Anyway, everyone continued to mock the annoying prick... wait that's Thomas, I meant that hateful abomination, Ronald. Until eventually, Butch the Breakdown Vehicle arrived. Now, if someone had travelled along way to help you, you would be glad and thankful for them. Guess what Ronald did...

"About time you got here, truck," Ronald spat the words at Butch.

"Sorry, but I'm a very busy person," Butch knew all about Ronald, and had been cursing all the way here.

"You need to learn respect for your superior, instead of making excuses, truck," Ronald said with a huff.

"My Superior?" Butch asked, as he hooked up to Ronald. (Stop laughing)

"Yes, Truck, we buses are your superiors," Ronald said. "We buses are the superior vehicle, although truck, you do enjoy a high position yourself in the system."

"Oh really?" asked Butch, feigning interest.

Butch immediately regretted saying anything, as Ronald wouldn't shut up about his beliefs. How in his mind society should work. Emily took the film crew home in her train. Bertie followed, while sick of Ronald's preaching, to see him it such a state was worth it.

When they arrived at the depot, Butch dumped Ronald with the engineers. Bertie wasted no time in telling the other buses what happened, and soon every bus was laughing madly at a very silly Ronald. It's wasn't until hours later did everyone finally calm down to the giggling stage. When Ronald was fixed, a driver parked him beside Bertie, and spoke to the engineer.

"So, what was the problem?" asked the driver.

"Contaminated fuel," said the engineer.

"With what?"

"Piss."

Ronald gasped in horror, while Bertie and the others returned to laughing madly, even louder than before, and would for a long time afterwards.

Also the next morning, it was said that Will Becker had died last night. According to the police, he was poisoned.

* * *

(*The bet is a joke, do not take seriously, unless you do have £1'000'000 spare **.)

(** Joking.)

And yes DrAveBat007, I did get it from Andy Parsons, about time somebody got it.


End file.
